


The Money Shot

by MothTale



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bad Jokes, Fluff, Gen, Missing Scene, Team Bonding, Team Dynamics, bad language, kinda stupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-12
Updated: 2018-06-12
Packaged: 2019-05-21 11:27:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14914520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MothTale/pseuds/MothTale
Summary: Loki rolled to one side and began to pull himself out of the crater the monster had smashed him into. He stopped, and looked up. He swallowed.‘If it’s all the same to you, I’ll have that drink now.’Or: How the Avengers assembled themselves so picture perfectly for when Loki woke up.





	The Money Shot

**Author's Note:**

> So, I was watching Avengers Assemble recently and I got to the scene near the end where Loki wakes up and the Avengers are looming over him like 'ur done, mate' and I was like 'how did this happen?'. How did they decide to arrange themselves in this majestic configuration? It didn't happen naturally, right? Someone decided it. And in my head, that someone could only be Tony Stark.

They found Loki more or less where the Hulk had left him – embedded in the floor.

Natasha put a hand on Clint’s shoulder, easing him back when he lurched forward to make good on his threat aboard the helicarrier. She shot Stark a look.

‘What are we waiting for?’

Stark smirked. ‘We got everyone?’ He sounded like a schoolteacher. ‘Let’s get together for the money shot.’ And now he sounded like a director. A sleazy director.

‘Excuse me?’ Captain America folded his arms.

‘The money shot? Come on Cap, you’ve been off ice long enough to know that one, surely? No? See, it’s this scene near the end of a porno where the guy—'

‘Get to the point, Stark,’ Clint muttered, shrugging off Natasha’s hand. He winced. Crash landing through a plate-glass window may not have been the best idea he’d ever had.

‘We agreed that you would hand my brother over to me to face—’

‘We will, we will. But first…Over here Big Guy, watch your step. Gotta frame this bad boy up, just so.’

Stark stepped towards Loki’s unconscious body and crouched down with his back to it. The faces looking back at him ranged from puzzled to distinctly pissed.

‘What? Am I the only one who appreciates what we have here?’

‘What we have is a criminal we need to secure—’

‘Wrong Spangles. What we have is an opportunity. Come here Katniss. I need you down low.’

‘Fuck you…’ Clint snarled at Stark’s beckoning hand.

‘Ooh, touchy. Come on, I need someone down low or else it won’t look right.’

‘What won’t look right?’

‘I told you. The money shot. Our first takedown as a team – we’ve got to do it right. We beat this crazy bastard—’

‘Watch your words metal-man,’ warned Thor.

‘—with, if I may quote our own Dr Banner, ‘a mind like a bag full of cats’, and we did it together. And we’re going to let him know it. When Loki wakes up, the first thing he’s going to see is the team who kicked his ass and crushed his dreams. Now, the guy’s not going to stay knocked out forever, and it kind of spoils the moment if we have to knock him out a second time just to get this shit right. So, just work with me for a second guys…’

‘What else have we been doing this whole time,’ Natasha muttered under her breath. Stark ignored her.

‘Right. Mr Rage Monster a step forward please, and a little to your left. Look. If Hulk can take direction, the rest of you can too. Ok, now Cap, I want you more central. And just a smidge to the left too. No, too much. Back a bit.’

‘Where do you want me?’ Natasha asked. She was tired, sweaty and Stark had said something about shawarma when he’d landed outside with Steve and Thor.

‘All business, no foreplay Agent Romanov? I think I’ll put you on the far right. Ooh, go grab Loki’s shiny stick. Gotta show him it’s our shiny stick now.’

Natasha sighed and picked up the sceptre from where she’d tossed it.

‘Thor, next to Natasha. No, other side. Nice. Now Barton, if I ask you nicely are you gonna get on the floor for me and be a team-player?’

‘If you hooked me up with a decent chiropractor after this, I would literally do whatever the fuck you wanted.’

‘That’s the spirit. I need you crouched down in the middle, and I want you aiming right—'

‘With what?’ Clint gestured to his empty quiver.

‘Uh, just pull the string back. He’s probably concussed. He won’t notice.’

Clint looked at Stark like he’d just farted at a funeral.

‘Fine. I’ll just, what, fly down in my barely functioning suit, root through the corpses and find you an arrow…?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Or,’ said Steve ‘we could finish this already…’

‘…and go eat,’ Natasha added.

‘Now, now. It’s going to be worth it. Wait. I’ll be back in two seconds, stay where you are.’

Stark left through the broken window, jets sputtering as he wove between the buildings.

‘He better be paying for the shawarma after this,’ Natasha muttered.

Clint looked over his shoulder at her with a smirk. ‘Nat, are you _hangry_?’

Steve frowned, but it was Thor who asked.

‘What is this word ‘hangry’?’

‘It’s a portmanteau word combining ‘hungry’ and ‘angry’,’ Bruce said.

The remaining Avengers turned to look at the space where the Hulk had been. Steve blushed and cleared his throat.

‘I, uh, think you need a new pair of pants Dr Banner.’

Bruce just smiled, clutching the stretched and torn fabric around his waist and very much pushing the boundaries of PG-13. Clint snorted and mumbled something that sounded like ‘Captain Obvious.’

There was a rumble and a whine, and then something clattered to the floor amidst the glass and the rubble.

‘Happy now, Legolas?’

Clint picked up a battered arrow, crusted over with black gunk. He shrugged and nocked it. Stark looked at the rest of them, then at Bruce.

‘No offence Banner, I mean, not that you don’t look intimidating holding your pants up with both hands, but we kind of need the Other Guy here to really get the vibe that we’re going for.’

‘I thought you’d say that,’ Bruce sighed.

The fabric of his pants creaked and ripped in a few more places as the Hulk returned. Stark winced.

‘Ok, little more risqué than I would have liked. But, I’ll uh stand right here, and I think we’re golden. Visual harmony. If anyone needs to scratch their ass do it now. Don’t want to look stupid in front of the bad guy.’

‘Stark, please shut up.’

It was taking a whole lot of self-control for Clint _not_ to shoot Loki in the face. He wasn’t sure if Stark really appreciated that fact.

‘Fine. I guess we’ll wait in silence then.’

 

‘Jeez, how hard did you hit him Hulk? Ok. Ok. Shutting up.’

 

‘Alright, he’s got to be messing with us now. It’s been…what…?’

‘Seven minutes and thirty-six seconds, sir.’

‘Thanks J.A.R.V.I.S. Am I the only one getting worried here? Do they have special Asgardian smelling salts? No?’

 

It was the sound of bickering that drew Loki towards consciousness and then, being hushed, left him to drift, painfully as he stirred. He rolled to one side and began to pull himself out of the crater the monster had smashed him into. He stopped, and looked up. He swallowed.

‘If it’s all the same to you, I’ll have that drink now.’


End file.
